Expression of Psychological Conflict
Time frequently is used as a tool in psychological battles between parents and children or within a child.
Power struggle. The more adults push, the more the child pulls. Parents try to hurry the child, and the child appears to slow down or dawdle. Children express their desire for independence and power in a variety of ways. Here, they assert themselves by using time in a manner that puts them in a position of control and their parents in a position of frustration and helplessness. This reaction is quite frequent when parents nag or make time a heated issue by their aroused (and often ineffectual) attempts to push an apparently resisting child. Children who feel bossed and that they have no control often misuse time in the morning as a means of asserting their own power. The result of this pattern is that children receive attention (even in the form of anger) for using time poorly. This attention inadvertently reinforces the problem, and the result is a prolonged power struggle over time, which the child usually wins by not being on time. The child's feeling of success makes the pattern even stronger. If these children are on time, they experience a sense of failure and are therefore locked in a rigid pattern of inefficient use of time. Over controlling or frantic parents can produce or exaggerate this form of power struggle.
Passive-aggressive expression of anger. Children become angry at their parents for a variety of reasons. Not getting what they want typically results in anger at parents. however, it is the exaggeration of this normal anger that can result in a child using time to get even. Frequent punishment and nagging are a major cause of slowness and dawdling as a type of rebellion (rather than open defiance). Behind this behavior is the feeling that "no one tells me what to do or when to do it." These children often appear selfish and inconsiderate. Their difficulties are blamed on others, and they see their poor use of time as the responsibility or the problem of others. They come across as self-centered, seeing only their own interests. Any confrontation results in their anger towards adults and their stubborness being aroused. They often become careless regarding schedules or appointments, perfunctorily do assignments or chores, and often neglect the essential aspects of what they are doing.
Avoid unpleasant situations. Procrastination or lateness is a means of avoiding disliked people or situations. Children and many adolescents therefore express their anger by using time to avoid disliked (or feared) situations. Laziness can become the means by which children avoid any type of situation which they believe will make them anxious or uncomfortable. Anxiety about starting the day can result in ineffective time use. Children anxious about school days do not dawdle on weekend mornings! Additionally, anxious children often perceive time as passing too slowly (a smaller percentage feel time passing too quickly). Time is perceived as an enemy to be coped with rather than a commodity to be used wisely. Very frequent also is poor use of time to avoid failure. Children then do not commit themselves to using time appropriately for fear of risking failure or feelings of psychological rejection. Daydreaming is a typical means of avoiding pain and engaging in pleasant fantasies. Children who frequently daydream do not use time well. Rather than purposeful stalling, they spend time "lost in thought." Another means of avoidance is perfectionism. The child who views anything short of perfection as unacceptable winds up accomplishing very little. Overly compulsive children who strive to be perfect waste enormous amounts of time. Even dressing can become an elaborate, time-consuming ritual. Effective preparation of any kind is therefore interfered with. What starts out as perfectionism which serves to avoid confrontation or anxiety winds up being a self-defeating habit.
Time Doesn't Matter
There are sub-cultures or families where time does not matter. Children learn that, in a sense, time has little value. Therefore, time is not used in a realistic, considerate, or productive manner. Time is wasted, put off, or used haphazardly. In these situations, parents re often not displeased with their children until others express dissatisfaction. Most typically, the school complains that the child is late, does not hand in assignments, wastes time, etc. Parents then see the discrepancy between their values and society's demands on their children.
Children who are not used to routines do not develop the habit of establishing set patterns and accomplishing what has to be done within a time limit. Often, these children have not learned the consequences of not following rules and of using time poorly. Since the adults in their lives do not value time, there have been no real positive or negative consequences (reward or punishments) regarding time usage. They have not heard statements such as "you can go out and play only when your room is clean." They have not learned that how time is used does very much matter. These children typically cannot delay gratification. They want their desires fulfilled immediately and cannot work now and enjoy later. Frequently heard is their comment that "everything will work out and get better later." This is especially true of children who procrastinate.
Unrealistic Parental Expectations
Many parents have no idea of the development of time concept with age. They expect 5 year olds to be ready on time or be punctual without concrete guidance and reminders. Therefore, many problems can arise from the clash between parent and child over use of time. on the other hand, parents can understand and be tolerant of the child's level of time awareness. Unrealistic time expectations lead to problems about time and also heighten the general level of family tension. Patience is required of paretns to accept that a child's pace is not as rapid as an adult's. The impatient adult yells and nags rather than allowing extra time. Children are naturally less coordinated and more careles, impulsive, and distractible than are adults.
Similarly, temperamental differences cause difficulties. In one family, there may be one child who has always been slow moving and easy going. And there may be another child who moves qucikly, accomplishing many tasks. If the slow-moving child is constantly criticized, time becomes momre and more of a source of anguish. Even more striking is the situation of two energetic, punctual parents having a relatively lethargic child. Acceptance of constituional physiological differences is often very difficult for paretns. A helpful reminder is that slowness is a natural rhythm for some children, and great pressure should not be used to change them.
Some parents cannot accept the nation of actual intellectual deficits regarding time in their child. Some children literally cannot estimate the passage of time. Some are disoriented and forget how much time has passed. Others have the specific problem of not being able to remember the sequence of events or stepsin a task. People are aware of these problems existing in retarded children. However, many "normal" children have these specific weakness in time concepts. Some grow out of it quickly while others do not. Today, psychological and educational testing can accurately pinpoint these difficulties. Many children can learn time concepts if taught properly. One example is that a time perspective is necessary for the ability to delay immediate gratification. The young child may see next week as being extremely remote. Basic understanding of time concepts are the underpinnings for the efficient actual use of time.
- Behavior Problems of Children
- Immature Behaviors
- Insecure Behaviors
- Habit Disorders
- Peer Problems
- Antisocial Behaviors
- Other Problems
