Prepare for Coping with Stress
Childhood should be a time of continuous preparation for coping with any type of problem, particularly stress. There should be ample amounts of explanation, reassurance, and forewarning of possible difficulties. Sexual maturation (body hair, menstruation, nocturnal emission) how to handle both feelings and events; it is a natural means of learning how to handle fear. Acting out fears is often a relieving experience. Water games lead to more familiarity with water, and any aroused fear can be a handled in the play situation. Pretend games help children of all ages act out satisfying and constructive means of handling new feelings and the accompanying stress. It is very effective when traumas are anticipated and children are prepared properly. Discussions can take place, or young children can play act what the traumatic event might be like. Children's books are available which describe positive handling by children of operations, death of a relative or pet, divorce, etc. With temporary professional help, a child can be prepared for operations. The family receives brief counseling to insure maximum emotional support of the child and to resolve current conflicts, and the child is given specific methods for handling the operation.
A general rule is to promote assertive and effective means of dealing with the environment. Overprotection should be studiously avoided. Active dealing with the feared object is encouraged. It is not effective to only ignore, remove the feared object, or force children into fearful situations. Children are taught mastery and caution, not fear. A good example is to discuss handling of dogs. "Strange dogs could bite. Do not pet or approach stray dogs. Sudden movements that could scare dogs are to be avoided. If a strange dog approaches, be calm and prepared. If a dog attacks yours, drop the leash. Do not get between fighting animals; it doesn't help your pet and you can get very hurt. If a dog attacks, you can try very loudly telling 'sit' or 'stop.' Don't forger to climb on top of anything possible to get away. Don't lose your hand. Run or fight, don't just stand still." This is the type of calm explanation and advice that could make a big difference in an actual emergency. Additionally, the child feels prepared and more competent.
Be Empathic and Supportive
When parents are perceived as relatively understanding and helpful, children feel more able to cope with fearful situations. Reasonably secure children handle things better and feel that their parents are there to fall back on. Love and respect enhance security, whereas frequent threats or criticism do not. Empathy is demonstrated by understanding and participating in a child's thoughts and feelings. A nonjudgmental and respectful attitude towards fear is communicated. The most direct means of illustrating empathy is by promoting and accepting the freedom to think and feel anything. behavior is good or bad while all feelings and fantasies are fine! When children express confused or scary feelings, parents should be accepting and helpful. Children often need help in understanding and interpreting stressful reactions. You might say, "Kids often have strange or scary thoughts; it's the way you grow and learn how to handle different ways of feeling." Any thought or event that scares children should be discussed with them as soon as possible. Discussion should correct a child's tendency to exaggerate or distort his understanding of the cause and meaning of fear. His understanding and growing ability to handle fears should be praised.
The fear response should never be used for discipline or punishment. Unfortunately, there are still many parents who say things like, "If you keep doing that a monster will get you" or "Children who masturbate go crazy." Even more unfortunate is the use of these types of statements to tease of for amusement. Children's fear are not amusing to them, and even if they don't look it, they often feel insecure when hearing outlandish threats. This is especially true for children under 6 years who may have a blurred distinction between real and imaginary. You help children learn to distinguish between realistic concerns and unrealistic fears. It is not helpful and is belittling to say, "Don't be crazy; your fears aren't real." Since fears are real to children, they cannot be shamed out of them. Fears should be expressed and not ignored or ridiculed. For example, children need reassurance about concerns such as death and not a detailed explanation.
You know you're on the right track if children describe your reaction to their fears in positive terms. Overdoing concern is not helpful. Being overprotective doesn't give them a chance to be and feel more and more competent. Similarly, you do not burden children by frequently discussing adult problems (money, sex, business, etc.) with them or within hearing distance. Telling children how good they are is similarly not helpful. Children know they are not always good and often become scared or guilty about their badness and anger while parents are praising them in this overly global manner.
Early and Gradual Exposure to Feared Situations
New and potentially fearful events or ideas should be gradually experienced. The process of discontinuing use of a night light should be positive. The game is to have a dimmer and dimmer light each night or the door closed more and more until the child feels comfortable sleeping in the dark. Dentists' and physicians' offices should be visited before examinations or treatment takes place. They should be shown what things look like and what will take place. Information should be made available in any form that the child finds interesting. It is very effective to have them observe a happy, nonfearful child being treated. Children who demonstrate mild fear should have experiences designed to prevent deeper fear. They can look at books about the feared situation (dentists, hospitals, dogs, subways, etc.). Since children are active and have much energy, they may be encouraged to play with, and throw around, toy animals. Some children feel good by punching a bag with a picture of the feared object on it.
bedtime should be a pleasant, relaxed time and not a hurried or tense situation. It is calming to spend a few minutes discussing positive things, telling stories, or reading to them. Partially open doors, a dim light near the bed with a convenient switch, or a flashlight may be comforting to children. A natural counter-conditioning process is the preventative for fearfulness. Gradual exposure, while children feel okay, serves to slowly condition them to handle mild fear and to take more risks. Walking down a long dim corridor gives children practice in not being afraid. The first time it could be with an adult or with the use of a flashlight. Each time, less and less support will be necessary.
Express and Share Concerns Openly
By living in an atmosphere where feelings are shared, children learn that concerns and fears are acceptable. We are not talking about overdoing it by sharing all feelings or sharing thoughts that are only adult concerns. It is appropriate to talk about realistic concerns or fears that we all have. Children see adult courage to admit fears, which defuses any sinister or mysterious quality. "Wow, that program was scary. It seemed so real that I feel concerned about spaceships on out lawn. I bet I'll feel funny for awhile." This puts fear in perspective. Children hear that it's okay to be frightened and that fear passes. Children then do not feel alone or that they are weird or cowardly. Their feelings should be listened to respectfully. They want and deserve some sympathy for their fears. it is comforting to hear, "Fears are natural, everybody is afraid at times.
If parents deny danger or fear, this can be especially frightening. Children feel fear and see cues of fear in adults, who pretend not to feel fear. Children tend to imagine that something is so scary or horrible that adults can't even face it. Then, children may well develop a specific fear of that situation or become generally fearful.
Model Calmness, Adequacy, and Optimism
Parental discomfort and fears directly scare children. For example, if parents have not resolved their own fear of death, children quickly learn to feat death also. It is comforting if children hear something like, "It's important to do your best and have a good time so when death comes, you're ready for it." Similarly, "Everyone dies; it's as much part of living as being born" or "We're all part of nature and we return to nature after death." Of course, many adults discuss religious concepts as a means of understanding death and other events.
Fears should not be discussed continuously or overemphasized. Acknowledgment of fears and a reasonably brave approach are good examples for children. It is necessary to avoid frequently emphasizing negative "what if" situations. In some families, there are frequently mentions of bad things that may happen to people. This is an atmosphere of "behind every silver cloud, there's a dark lining." This promotes a worried, fearful approach. Pessimism is catching. If you feel that things are okay, the feeling is projected. A relatively optimistic, calm approach leads to handling fears well and to no overreactions. You work out your own problems and speak acceptingly of the risks and dangers we all face.
If you are showing fear in children's presence, you should take immediate action to reduce it. you might discuss your fears with a relative, friend, religious counselor, or mental health professional. Children are greatly influenced by your approach. If you show interest in electrical storms or high winds, your child learns to be interested, not terrified. If you matter-of-factly go to a dentist and report feeling pleased that your teeth are now in good shape, your children usually develop the same approach.
Relevant Topic:Childhood should be a time of continuous preparation for coping with any type of problem, particularly stress. There should be ample amounts of explanation, reassurance, and forewarning of possible difficulties. Sexual maturation (body hair, menstruation, nocturnal emission) how to handle both feelings and events; it is a natural means of learning how to handle fear. Acting out fears is often a relieving experience. Water games lead to more familiarity with water, and any aroused fear can be a handled in the play situation. Pretend games help children of all ages act out satisfying and constructive means of handling new feelings and the accompanying stress. It is very effective when traumas are anticipated and children are prepared properly. Discussions can take place, or young children can play act what the traumatic event might be like. Children's books are available which describe positive handling by children of operations, death of a relative or pet, divorce, etc. With temporary professional help, a child can be prepared for operations. The family receives brief counseling to insure maximum emotional support of the child and to resolve current conflicts, and the child is given specific methods for handling the operation.
A general rule is to promote assertive and effective means of dealing with the environment. Overprotection should be studiously avoided. Active dealing with the feared object is encouraged. It is not effective to only ignore, remove the feared object, or force children into fearful situations. Children are taught mastery and caution, not fear. A good example is to discuss handling of dogs. "Strange dogs could bite. Do not pet or approach stray dogs. Sudden movements that could scare dogs are to be avoided. If a strange dog approaches, be calm and prepared. If a dog attacks yours, drop the leash. Do not get between fighting animals; it doesn't help your pet and you can get very hurt. If a dog attacks, you can try very loudly telling 'sit' or 'stop.' Don't forger to climb on top of anything possible to get away. Don't lose your hand. Run or fight, don't just stand still." This is the type of calm explanation and advice that could make a big difference in an actual emergency. Additionally, the child feels prepared and more competent.
Be Empathic and Supportive
When parents are perceived as relatively understanding and helpful, children feel more able to cope with fearful situations. Reasonably secure children handle things better and feel that their parents are there to fall back on. Love and respect enhance security, whereas frequent threats or criticism do not. Empathy is demonstrated by understanding and participating in a child's thoughts and feelings. A nonjudgmental and respectful attitude towards fear is communicated. The most direct means of illustrating empathy is by promoting and accepting the freedom to think and feel anything. behavior is good or bad while all feelings and fantasies are fine! When children express confused or scary feelings, parents should be accepting and helpful. Children often need help in understanding and interpreting stressful reactions. You might say, "Kids often have strange or scary thoughts; it's the way you grow and learn how to handle different ways of feeling." Any thought or event that scares children should be discussed with them as soon as possible. Discussion should correct a child's tendency to exaggerate or distort his understanding of the cause and meaning of fear. His understanding and growing ability to handle fears should be praised.
The fear response should never be used for discipline or punishment. Unfortunately, there are still many parents who say things like, "If you keep doing that a monster will get you" or "Children who masturbate go crazy." Even more unfortunate is the use of these types of statements to tease of for amusement. Children's fear are not amusing to them, and even if they don't look it, they often feel insecure when hearing outlandish threats. This is especially true for children under 6 years who may have a blurred distinction between real and imaginary. You help children learn to distinguish between realistic concerns and unrealistic fears. It is not helpful and is belittling to say, "Don't be crazy; your fears aren't real." Since fears are real to children, they cannot be shamed out of them. Fears should be expressed and not ignored or ridiculed. For example, children need reassurance about concerns such as death and not a detailed explanation.
You know you're on the right track if children describe your reaction to their fears in positive terms. Overdoing concern is not helpful. Being overprotective doesn't give them a chance to be and feel more and more competent. Similarly, you do not burden children by frequently discussing adult problems (money, sex, business, etc.) with them or within hearing distance. Telling children how good they are is similarly not helpful. Children know they are not always good and often become scared or guilty about their badness and anger while parents are praising them in this overly global manner.
Early and Gradual Exposure to Feared Situations
New and potentially fearful events or ideas should be gradually experienced. The process of discontinuing use of a night light should be positive. The game is to have a dimmer and dimmer light each night or the door closed more and more until the child feels comfortable sleeping in the dark. Dentists' and physicians' offices should be visited before examinations or treatment takes place. They should be shown what things look like and what will take place. Information should be made available in any form that the child finds interesting. It is very effective to have them observe a happy, nonfearful child being treated. Children who demonstrate mild fear should have experiences designed to prevent deeper fear. They can look at books about the feared situation (dentists, hospitals, dogs, subways, etc.). Since children are active and have much energy, they may be encouraged to play with, and throw around, toy animals. Some children feel good by punching a bag with a picture of the feared object on it.
bedtime should be a pleasant, relaxed time and not a hurried or tense situation. It is calming to spend a few minutes discussing positive things, telling stories, or reading to them. Partially open doors, a dim light near the bed with a convenient switch, or a flashlight may be comforting to children. A natural counter-conditioning process is the preventative for fearfulness. Gradual exposure, while children feel okay, serves to slowly condition them to handle mild fear and to take more risks. Walking down a long dim corridor gives children practice in not being afraid. The first time it could be with an adult or with the use of a flashlight. Each time, less and less support will be necessary.
Express and Share Concerns Openly
By living in an atmosphere where feelings are shared, children learn that concerns and fears are acceptable. We are not talking about overdoing it by sharing all feelings or sharing thoughts that are only adult concerns. It is appropriate to talk about realistic concerns or fears that we all have. Children see adult courage to admit fears, which defuses any sinister or mysterious quality. "Wow, that program was scary. It seemed so real that I feel concerned about spaceships on out lawn. I bet I'll feel funny for awhile." This puts fear in perspective. Children hear that it's okay to be frightened and that fear passes. Children then do not feel alone or that they are weird or cowardly. Their feelings should be listened to respectfully. They want and deserve some sympathy for their fears. it is comforting to hear, "Fears are natural, everybody is afraid at times.
If parents deny danger or fear, this can be especially frightening. Children feel fear and see cues of fear in adults, who pretend not to feel fear. Children tend to imagine that something is so scary or horrible that adults can't even face it. Then, children may well develop a specific fear of that situation or become generally fearful.
Model Calmness, Adequacy, and Optimism
Parental discomfort and fears directly scare children. For example, if parents have not resolved their own fear of death, children quickly learn to feat death also. It is comforting if children hear something like, "It's important to do your best and have a good time so when death comes, you're ready for it." Similarly, "Everyone dies; it's as much part of living as being born" or "We're all part of nature and we return to nature after death." Of course, many adults discuss religious concepts as a means of understanding death and other events.
Fears should not be discussed continuously or overemphasized. Acknowledgment of fears and a reasonably brave approach are good examples for children. It is necessary to avoid frequently emphasizing negative "what if" situations. In some families, there are frequently mentions of bad things that may happen to people. This is an atmosphere of "behind every silver cloud, there's a dark lining." This promotes a worried, fearful approach. Pessimism is catching. If you feel that things are okay, the feeling is projected. A relatively optimistic, calm approach leads to handling fears well and to no overreactions. You work out your own problems and speak acceptingly of the risks and dangers we all face.
If you are showing fear in children's presence, you should take immediate action to reduce it. you might discuss your fears with a relative, friend, religious counselor, or mental health professional. Children are greatly influenced by your approach. If you show interest in electrical storms or high winds, your child learns to be interested, not terrified. If you matter-of-factly go to a dentist and report feeling pleased that your teeth are now in good shape, your children usually develop the same approach.
- Behavior Problems of Children
- Immature Behaviors
- Insecure Behaviors
- Habit Disorders
- Peer Problems
- Antisocial Behaviors
- Other Problems
