Be FirmOnce you make a reasonable demand on a child or take a fair position resist all efforts by the child to get you to give in. In a firm, prompt, and matter-of-fact way, let the child know that you mean business and will not tolerate further argument or whining. Don't be cranky or angry; be firm and definite.
To illustrate, if you are tired and your child asks to be read just one more story, say definitely, "I'm tired now and I want to read my paper. You can look at your picture books." Once she realizes you mean what you say, your child will understand the futility of whining or nagging. If a child is constantly complaining that she has "nothing to do," reply that you have both a lot of work and pleasant things to do but have difficulty finding time to do them all. Convey to the child the idea that she must take responsibility for occupying her own time.
To circumvent whining, make a rule to cover the usual pleas, and sick to the rules with great determination. For example, bedtimes and mealtimes are always to be at certain hours no matter what the child wishes. No special food, drink, or toys will be bought for the child during ordinary trips to the supermarket.
Under no circumstances change your mind to stop a child from whining or crying. Change your m ind only if someone comes up with a reasonable fact which had not occurred to you and which throws a new light on the problem.
Correction
Whenever your child engages in dependent behavior, correct her in a friendly, matter-of-fact way, encouraging her to feel that she can act maturely, and reminding her of how good she will feel by acting like a big girl.
In correcting a child be sure to identify the unacceptable behavior ("You just interrupted me"), state your feelings about the behavior ("I feel like leaving the room when you cry"), and point out an acceptable alternative ("When you talk to me without whining I'll listen to what you have to say"). In correcting a child do not engage in name calling ("What a baby you are!") or threats (You're really going to get it if you keep that up!").
Ignoring
If a child persists in crying or whining after you have explained the unacceptable nature of this behavior and have suggested a more appropriate alternative, systematically ignore further repetitions of the child's behavior. This means paying absolutely no attention to a child's whining or crying and seeing to it that such behavior does not pay off for the child. After first getting worse (child will increase the behavior ti get you to back down), the whining or crying is likely to gradually disappear. The child will discard it once he realize it's no longer affective in getting his way, getting your attention, or getting your goat.
To further illustrate the ignoring technique, if you know your child can do something, arrange not to hear the child's request for help. Be occupied with an important task of your own. Acknowledge the child's request with a simple word or phrase of encouragement such as "I'm sure you can do that." Sometimes you may have to leave the room until the child finishes the task. Quiet, steady ignoring of a child's pleas together with simple encouragement will promote independence and self-reliance.
Reward System
Teach your child that it pays to act in a more mature way. This involves careful observation and recording of the dependent behavior.
- Pinpoint. First specify clearly the exact behaviors you want to change, such as "ask for help when she can do it herself," baby talk," "clinging," or "whining."
- Reward. Post a list of these dependent behaviors (e.g., crying, whining), and tally the number of times they occur each day. Give the child a concrete reward for reducing the occurrence of the behaviors to a predetermined level. For example. you might state, "If you whine less than five times today, you can watch your favorite T.V. show tonight." Praise the child for showing more mature behavior ("Great, waiting for me to finish talking was being a Big Boy.")
Penalize
Select on dependent behavior you want to eliminate, such as whining, crying, or interrupting, and every time the child engages in it, send the child for 2-5 minutes of "time out" in her own room or in the corner of a room. For example, of your child starts whining about having to do something, say "Jane, go to your room and sit on your bed until you're ready to talk about your chore without whining." Check the child after 5 minutes to see if she is ready to talk without whining. If still upset, the child may have to sit by herself for awhile longer.
Praise
Be sure to give the child attention and praise when the child is acting in an independent, mature way. Give the child a smile, pat on the shoulder, and verbal praise.
Give More Freedom
Decide on one specific area of growth for the child and promote it, such as the child going out of the yard on his own. Insist that the child engage in this independent behavior on a regular basis. This will get you in the habit of gradually placing more and more demands on the child. Don't make your demands too high which will discourage the child or too low which leads to underachievement.
Indulge
For the clinging child, give extra love and hugging. Overindulge the child for awhile by giving much more affection than asked for to ensure that the child gets enough.
For the child who cries, instruct the child to go to his room and have a really good cry and to cry as long and loud as he wants since he is hurting. This change in your approach may have the paradoxical effect or reducing the crying.
Case Reports
Case #1
A 4 year old girl was experiencing difficulty adjusting to nursery school. She would cry, scream, and throw temper tantrums when her mother left the classroom, and these behaviors continued until the mother returned. The child would occasionally show this separation anxiety on other occasions, outside the classroom. The girl's parents were separated and the mother worked. With professional advice the following strategy was instituted to deal with the problem.
The mother was counseled to remain in the vicinity of the preschool for awhile. Once the child exhibited nonanxious behavior, the mother was called into the class to reinforce the child for acting this way. The length of time the child had to display nonanxious behavior was gradually increased, from a few seconds to several hours. Also, the length of time the mother remained to reinforce the child was gradually decreased from 7 minutes. This plan resulted in almost immediate cessation of the anxious behavior. After 17 days it was no longer necessary for the mother to reappear.
Case #2
To control the chinning behavior of a 5 year old boy the parents instituted a point system. Each time the boy whined, he lost ten points. Whining was defined as "a verbal complaint conducted in a sing-song (wavering) manner in a pitch above that of the normal speaking voice." The boy earned points each day by completing various household tasks such as emptying the trash. A total of 50-50 points accumulated at the end of each day earned the boy privileges or treats, such as watching T.V. or going on a picnic. The points earned and lost were recorded on a 5-by-7 inch note card.
After the point system was initiated, the boy's whining was immediately reduced to a low level.
Case #3
The parents of 4 year old boy reported that he whined and shouted a great deal at home. Observations revealed he engaged in such behaviors about ten times a day. Typically the parents would attend to their son's whining and shouting by either comforting him or ordering him to stop. With professional advice the parents began a new procedure of ignoring him when he whined or shouted. They would turn away from him and engage in other activities. Whenever possible, they left the area entirely. This strategy reduced the inappropriate verbalizations to an average of only two a day.
Relevant Topic:Select on dependent behavior you want to eliminate, such as whining, crying, or interrupting, and every time the child engages in it, send the child for 2-5 minutes of "time out" in her own room or in the corner of a room. For example, of your child starts whining about having to do something, say "Jane, go to your room and sit on your bed until you're ready to talk about your chore without whining." Check the child after 5 minutes to see if she is ready to talk without whining. If still upset, the child may have to sit by herself for awhile longer.
Praise
Be sure to give the child attention and praise when the child is acting in an independent, mature way. Give the child a smile, pat on the shoulder, and verbal praise.
Give More Freedom
Decide on one specific area of growth for the child and promote it, such as the child going out of the yard on his own. Insist that the child engage in this independent behavior on a regular basis. This will get you in the habit of gradually placing more and more demands on the child. Don't make your demands too high which will discourage the child or too low which leads to underachievement.
Indulge
For the clinging child, give extra love and hugging. Overindulge the child for awhile by giving much more affection than asked for to ensure that the child gets enough.
For the child who cries, instruct the child to go to his room and have a really good cry and to cry as long and loud as he wants since he is hurting. This change in your approach may have the paradoxical effect or reducing the crying.
Case Reports
Case #1
A 4 year old girl was experiencing difficulty adjusting to nursery school. She would cry, scream, and throw temper tantrums when her mother left the classroom, and these behaviors continued until the mother returned. The child would occasionally show this separation anxiety on other occasions, outside the classroom. The girl's parents were separated and the mother worked. With professional advice the following strategy was instituted to deal with the problem.
The mother was counseled to remain in the vicinity of the preschool for awhile. Once the child exhibited nonanxious behavior, the mother was called into the class to reinforce the child for acting this way. The length of time the child had to display nonanxious behavior was gradually increased, from a few seconds to several hours. Also, the length of time the mother remained to reinforce the child was gradually decreased from 7 minutes. This plan resulted in almost immediate cessation of the anxious behavior. After 17 days it was no longer necessary for the mother to reappear.
Case #2
To control the chinning behavior of a 5 year old boy the parents instituted a point system. Each time the boy whined, he lost ten points. Whining was defined as "a verbal complaint conducted in a sing-song (wavering) manner in a pitch above that of the normal speaking voice." The boy earned points each day by completing various household tasks such as emptying the trash. A total of 50-50 points accumulated at the end of each day earned the boy privileges or treats, such as watching T.V. or going on a picnic. The points earned and lost were recorded on a 5-by-7 inch note card.
After the point system was initiated, the boy's whining was immediately reduced to a low level.
Case #3
The parents of 4 year old boy reported that he whined and shouted a great deal at home. Observations revealed he engaged in such behaviors about ten times a day. Typically the parents would attend to their son's whining and shouting by either comforting him or ordering him to stop. With professional advice the parents began a new procedure of ignoring him when he whined or shouted. They would turn away from him and engage in other activities. Whenever possible, they left the area entirely. This strategy reduced the inappropriate verbalizations to an average of only two a day.
- Behavior Problems of Children
- Immature Behaviors
- Insecure Behaviors
- Habit Disorders
- Peer Problems
- Antisocial Behaviors
- Other Problems
