Dependent behavior involves the seeking of excessive help, affection or attention from another. The overdependent child shows many signs of immaturity such as whining, crying, and dependency behaviors. The child often interrupts conversations being held by his parents. He frequently demands that they do things for him that be could do for himself, e.g., a 16 year old asking his mother to comb his hair. Rather than showing initiative, the child keeps going to an adult for assistance. Physical proximity - the need to stay close to an adult - is yet another behavior of the dependent child, as is attention seeking or wanting the parent to frequently watch him, talk to him, or look at something he has made. After age 4, another sign of overdependency is crying when separated from the mother even for a short period of time.
Whining is a particularly prevalent from of immature, dependent behavior. Children tend to whine the most in the preschool and early school years. Over and over they complain, "Why can't I stay up a little longer?" Although the requests are natural, the whining child just won't take no for an answer. Nor will the child on her own initiative take steps to satisfy her wants or needs.
Strangely enough, many parents who have overdependent children do not seem concerned about such behavior even if the child is 12 year old. Although they find the immature behaviors discomforting, the parents believe they are normal behaviors or that the child will outgrow them. Girl in particular are not likely to outgrow passive dependent behaviors.
Reason Why
Parental Reinforcement
Some children learn to manipulate adults and get their way by playing the baby role. The child may cling, ingratiate, be cute, hide, and run. Some adults find such babyish behavior extremely winsome. Other parents do not want their child to grow up and thus reinforce immature act. They want their child to remain infantile and dependent upon them. Another group of parents overprotect their children with "smother" love. They won't let their child out of the yard because of the "rough" neighborhood kids.
Guilt
Some parents seem to give in to a whining child out of some unconscious guilt, like not loving the child enough or being away from the child too much, or because the child is sickly or handicapped.
Parental permissiveness
If a parent has difficulty setting limits, a child is likely to whine and manipulate until the parent gives in. Such parents are often fearful that their child will not like them if they are tough, or they are uncertain of their position so they easily back down and give in to a child's unreasonable demands.
Attention or power
Some child sees another only in terms of how they can be of use to him. Imbued with self-importance, the narcissistic child often seems to collect injustices and to become upset minor unfair practices.
Feeling Deprived
The child who feels neglected or deprived may live in a continuous state of envy over the privileges or favoritism shown to others. Such a child may complain, whine, and show poor frustration tolerance. The antidote for this child is lots of special attention from the parents. Each day the child needs time alone with her parents.
How to Prevent
Encourage Decision Making
From an early age encourage the child to make choices such as what cereal to eat, what clothes to wear, and what games to play.
Provide Early Support
Children can become independent only after they have learned that they can depend on their parents' acceptance, approval, and support. If a young child's basic dependency needs are not met by responsive parents, he may lack sufficient support and nurturance to progress successfully to higher levels of independence. parents who are very responsive to a 1 year old's cries and need to cling are likely to find a more independent and self-confident child at age 3.
Be Undomineering
parents who tend to dominate their children by imposing many rules and by nagging generally produce obedient but dependent children.
Be Responsive
Give immediate and friendly attention to any request the child makes. Do not procrastinate or be vague in your response ("We'll see," "Maybe") without a good reason; do not automatically say "No" without having a good reason. If a "No" seems indicated, state it firmly and explain the reason. Then stick to your guns.
Do not Pamper
Pampering involves two practices:
1) Giving the child things he does not need and frequently does not even want.
2) Doing things for the child that she is able to do for herself.
Relevant Topic:
- Behavior Problems of Children
- Immature Behaviors
- Insecure Behaviors
- Habit Disorders
- Peer Problems
- Antisocial Behaviors
- Other Problems
