Promote Self-Acceptance
The most direct way of preventing selfishness is to help the child feel worthwhile, adequate, and secure. Children who accept themselves as worthwhile individuals and feel safe can naturally care about others' welfare. They are not preoccupied with their own self-doubts. Therefore, there is no need to develop from the behavior of significant others, there is no substitute for consistent demonstrative acceptance. Children who are accepted and loved feel good about themselves. You show acceptance by having empathy and respect for the child's strengths and weaknesses. There are other possibly negative influences (peers, school, authority figures, relatives, etc.), but "loved" children continue to feel worthwhile even under considerable pressures outside the home. Children who do not feel accepted by their parents are much more vulnerable to negative or stressful messages from others.
Loving a child can be broken down into unconditional positive regard, cherishing, and caring. Parents should communicate to their children that they are intrinsically worthwhile, and not that they are loved only when they behave properly. This unconditional positive attitude results in a "safe" feeling of security and acceptance. Cherishing is the appreciation of a child's uniqueness and special qualities. Practically, parents demonstrate this by encouraging individuality and psychological separation as an autonomous person. Caring means interest in children's thoughts, feeling, and activities and being generally concerned about them. Some physical affection by both parents clearly demonstrates caring in a nonverbal way. Even warmly shaking hands or an arm around a shoulder is an effective illustration of caring.
Constant criticism does not promote self-acceptance. A family atmosphere filled with frequent tension, anger, and irritability leads to generally lower feelings of self-worth. Competition, as a crucial or frequently stressed issue, can also lead to shaky feeling of adequacy. Intense competition leads to children having to prove their worthwhileness by accepting and loving children and avoiding or diminishing criticism, intense competition, and negative family interactions.
Model and Teach Concern for Others
Self-centered parents should not expect to have children who have high regard for the feelings of others. There is no way of minimizing the powerful influence of the parents as models for their children. Showing real interest in your children, and in others, is a basic model for caring about others. Feeling responsible for the welfare of others and sharing your time, energy, or money with others are clear illustrations of a nonselfish approach. "Giving of yourself" is mentioned over and over gain in the psychology literature as an essential ingredient of any meaningful relationship. "Love" has often been define as caring about someone else's well being more than your own.
Similarly, concern for others is demonstrated by displaying and discussing unhappiness about the suffering of others. In some families, display of any type of emotion is seen as inappropriate. By being demonstrative and expression feelings about others, children learn to feel concern themselves. Conversations only about things or self-centered interests do not promote concern for others. Following this reasoning, if happiness is attained at the expense of others, then concern for others is not demonstrated. Some forms of humor are based on the foibles or inadequacies of others. By stressing sarcastic humor, a noncaring attitude can be promoted. Therefore, other forms of humor should be stressed.
Happiness should be lived and discussed as attained, in part, by giving of one-self. Most important is the reception by the other person of your positive intent. Some people say how they mean well, yet others do not perceive them as well meaning. The skill required is to asses the motives of others and help them to read their goals. Many psychologists and authors have warned parents about the dangers of a possessive or selfish attitude towards their children. Parents can respect their children (and others) as worthwhile individuals. This is demonstrated by real concern for their wishes and a purposeful attempt to bring out the best in others.
Empathy is the understanding of others from their point of view. You should try to see things from yur child's perspective. Communication of your understanding is the key ingredient. You can say to a very upset child, "It must feel really bad not to be invited to that party." This communicates understanding of the child's feeling. Discussion and helpful suggestions can come later. Parents model concern for others by being empathic both with their children and with others. Empathy can be directly taught by discussing how different situations result in certain feelings in people. Bullying leads weaker children to feel hurt, sad, frustrated, and angry. Very instructive are dinner conversations where feelings of people are discussed. You can show an empathic, caring quality in your description of the importance of the feelings of others.
Give Responsibility
Responsibility for others is a natural method of experiencing and learning concern for others. The person who has been helped usually expresses gratitude which leads to the helper feeling good about the process. Responsibility for the care of a pet is an excellent experience from early childhood on. The level of responsibility is geared to the child's competency. Four and five year olds can put food in a dog's or cat's dish. Brushing, walking, and throwing a ball to the pet are all appropriate activities. Helping younger children is an age-old natural task. Overburdening a child with responsibilities is not appropriate. Specific helpful tasks with younger children can be an excellent source of gratification gained by helping others. Many people continue a lifelong sense of dedication and concern about others by helping or taking care of a handicapped or weaker sibling.
Performing chores is another significant area of responsibility. Children learn that they are responsible for, and capable of, performing tasks that are important for group welfare. Sweeping, taking out garbage, setting the table, etc., are contributions to household functioning. Chores should always be age-appropriate and within the child's capabilities. Chores should never be meaningless busy work. Many children will accept performing chores as a natural part of family life. For those children who do not, their own privileges can depend upon their living up to their responsibilities to others. A generally helpful guideline is to involve children in discussing and defining the responsibilities of all family members. It can be a real eye-opener to see the list of Mom's and Dad's responsibilities. These lists should contain not only tasks (earning money, buying food, cleaning the house, etc.) but also attitudes and feelings (being cheerful, helping others, etc.). Children should always be encouraged to participate in the reasoning and decision-making process of assigning responsibilities.
Relevant Topic:
- Behavior Problems of Children
- Immature Behaviors
- Insecure Behaviors
- Habit Disorders
- Peer Problems
- Antisocial Behaviors
- Other Problems
