Underlying many children problems is a basic feeling of low self-esteem. An extremely important determinant of behavior is how children feel about themselves. Feeling basically worthless and lacking self-respect influences their motives, attitudes, and behavior. Everything is seen from a pessimistic point of view. Parents are justifiably concerned when they see indications of low self-regard. Children should feel good about themselves, that is, they should have a basically good self-concept.
Adequacy of self-image may be assessed by answering three questions: "Who am I?", "How am I doing?" "How am I doing compared to others?" Self-worth usually is measured by performance in school, on the job, and in social relations. In an achievement oriented society, competence and relative productivity are used as an indicator of a person's value. The importance of the way children feel about themselves is reflected in a term used to refer to adults who works with children professionally - Self-esteem Specialists. It is important to note that self-esteem naturally fluctuates widely. Feeling good stems from achievement, praise, and belonging to a group. Therefore, very negative and very positive feelings towards oneself vary according to specific outcomes.
Children who lack self-confidence are not optimistic about the outcome of their efforts. They feels incapable, inferior, pessimistic, and easily discouraged. Things always seem to go wrong; these children give up easily and frequently feel intimidated. "Bad" and "helpless" are adjectives used for self-description. Frustration and anger are handled poorly and often turn into vengeful behavior against others or themselves. Unfortunately, their behavior typically leads others to view them as negatively as they see themselves. Children who feel like failures often perceive rewards given to them as due to luck or chance, not as a result of their own action. Reward is effective if children believe that it is obtained because of their characteristics and behavior. This is called "internal locus of control." Children perceive a causal relationship between their behavior and rewards. Feelings of internal control usually increase with age and achievement. Children gradually develop more self-confidence and feel more independent and free.
Reason Why
Faulty Child Rearing Practices
Overprotective. Children who are overprotected do not learn to cope for themselves, feel independent, or respect their own judgment. They often become timid and afraid of making mistakes. Parents "spoil" them by giving too much and not allowing the child to handle normal stress. These children feel very vulnerable, easily hurt, and incapable of fending for themselves. At times, some children may appear overly confident and grandiose, but under this facade is a basic lack of self-confidence.
Neglectful. When parents disregard children, they are left to their own devices. Although some may become independent and gain self-respect through approval of others, many children respond by accepting the message that they are not worth bothering about. They are physically and psychologically true since the more adults know and understand children's problems, the better the children feel about themselves.
Perfectionistic. Many parents fall into a pattern of overly high and perfectionistic expectations. They expect their children to display increasing strengths and not any weaknesses. They predictable of measuring up. These children are negatively compared, and compare themselves, to outstanding successes. Frequently, they overreact to failure and exaggerate the negative aspects of situations. Feeling unable to really succeed, they give up, procrastinate, or don't really apply themselves.
Autocratic and Punishing. Some parents communicate an aura of total power and despotic rule. Their methods are most frequently authoritarian, and punishment is employed excessively. Positive interaction and mutual respect are lacking. Children perceive themselves not worthy of high regard. The most destructive combination is when the father is demanding and authoritarian with his son. This pattern is the opposite of the use of rewards and incentives which promote high self-esteem.
Critical and Disapproving. Parental acceptance, affection, approval, understanding, and praise result in high self-regard and high striving for achievement. Rejection and criticism result in feelings of worthlessness and a "what's the use of trying" attitude. Adult blame leads to the "naughty" children act badly, confirming their image of themselves and proving to the parents that the bad label was correct. Similarly, children who are constantly told how awkward and clumsy they are often feel and act awkwardly. Their failings are always pointed out, while positive feed-back is rare or nonexistent. When a parent is highly critical of his spouse's child-rearing methods, this also fosters low self-esteem in children (as well as in the spouse). Another very powerful influence is the approval style of teachers. Students who feel that their teacher disapprove of them are low in self-regard and academic achievement and often behave badly.
Modeling
Parents who feel relatively poor self-esteem are models whom children frequently emulate. They treat children with the same lack of respect they feel for themselves. Children feel that not thinking much of yourself is natural. They imitate their parents' comments about others being more successful. The children are not growing up in an atmosphere where positive things are felt about oneself. Parents who do not strive to do their best frequently have children who behave similarly. Peers and siblings are also influenced by the way adults treat a child. The more parents or teachers express approval of a child, the more accepted he is by peers (and ultimately, by himself). Therefore, adults are literal models who display or do not display accepting behavior.
Differentness of Handicapped
Children who appear much different than others usually feel low self-esteem. They feel too ugly, short, tall, stupid, or different in some way. What often develops is anger towards oneself for being different and hatred of others for seeing them or for pointing out their differentness. Another negative experience results when total acceptance and admiration from others are unsuccessfully sought for. The same pattern occurs with handicapped children, often in a more intense manner. The physical proof of being different or not normal is always present. Feeling worthless is a direct experience that unfortunately get reinforced by negative stares or cruel comments.
Learned Irrational Beliefs
The most significant source of irrational beliefs is at home as compared to school or comunity. These beliefs then cause a variety of self-defeating behaviors. Irrationality is listed separately because of its self-sustaining power. The beliefs themselves develop from the previously described faulty child-rearing practices, modeling, and feeling very different from others. Children think to themselves statements such as, "I can't do anything right," Nothing works out for me," "I must be retarded if I can't do that," etc. They believe that they are incapable of handling new situations. When changes occur (a new baby, a geographical move, a divorce), they feel that their self-worth is threatened, are filled with self-doubt, or are paralyzed into inaction. In the early years of life, significant adult behaviors determine an individual's self-concept. being reated very badly sets the stage for low self-esteem. "Feeling inferior" is a negative, irrational belief that may be signifivant factor in the rest of a person's life.
Young children do not have the judgment and perspective that maltreatment is the adult's problem and not theirs. They have not learned to use self-talk to understand events. They cannot say, "I'm not always bad; it's my father who sees everybody as bad." Therefore, negative comments and behavior are seen by them as total indictments of their personalities.
- How to prevent
- What to Do
Relevant Topic:
- Behavior Problems of Children
- Immature Behaviors
- Insecure Behaviors
- Habit Disorders
- Peer Problems
- Antisocial Behaviors
- Other Problems
